Love is, Love is not
by TimeTrader
Summary: They were taught they had no hope. They believed that; It was their world. And now their worlds are crashing down. OC's-X-Various
1. Chiquita and Kanda

Love is, and will always be, a mystery to us.

I had spoken those words with the belief that they were absolutely true. Rima, who had just joined my group, looked up at me with an emotionless face. I knew my words had caused her great sadness, and I knew she was just trying to be strong, but I told her none the less. She had needed to know then, that with the position we were in, neither of us would ever be given the opportunity.

I am only now realizing, after ten long years of loneliness, how wrong I was. At the age of eighteen, I am still not completely sure what "_Love_" is, though I'm confident I have a decent understanding.

_Love is: when, no matter what, you will always forgive them._

It's hard to pull a genuine smile out of me most days, but he never fails. It doesn't really matter that he ignores me, scoffs at me, or tells me to leave him alone. He and I both know it's an act; the moment we are alone in a hallway, he steps closer to me, almost protectively, and stays by my side. We do not speak, but I can feel his resentment for what he had said. And I will always turn and hug him gently, letting him know I love him just the same.

_Love is: wanting to make the other happy._

It had been a very hard mission. Many were killed, and the whole city had been damaged beyond repair, so Allen and I had to evacuate the citizens. Besides my obvious wounds, I was just plain exhausted.  
>Though I was still tired, I started feeling lazy and decided, against what my body wanted, to train for a few hours. In the end, I was glad I made the choice. Because, sitting on a bamboo mat, was Kanda.<br>Smiling, I walked up and sat right down beside him.

"Hi Kanda." Even my voice sounded tired and sluggish.

"I'm trying to focus, Chiquita. If you can't respect that, get out." Oh, he was in a snippy mood. He probably had another fight with Rima or Lavi.  
>I didn't answer him. Instead, I sat in a very relaxed position and silently breathed in deeply. I could follow his terms very well, if that's what he wanted. Soon I heard shuffling and opened my eyes. Kanda was staring at me intensely.<p>

"Yes?" I made sure to keep my voice low.

He glared slightly, mostly from habit, and asked

"Why are you so calm? Normally you're all over me." I tried not to smirk at the last part.

"You asked me not to." I leaned my head down on his shoulder and closed my eyes. "And I just want you to be happy."  
>I heard him grunt, but he didn't move away from me. In fact, he leaned into me a bit. I finally fell asleep.<p>

_Love is: being there for them.  
><em>  
>Kanda was still in the hospital and I was still at his side. He had insisted many times that I leave him be and go do something practical.<br>I did not snap at him and tell him that he was more important than anything in my life, though I wanted to, because it would have sounded cheesy and Kanda would have dismissed it immediately.

Instead I countered and replied, "So I should leave the only sensible exorcist the Black Order has, who can not only fight but actually keep his head in battle, and go play a silly game of chess with Johnny?" He didn't even open his mouth to protest. He simply turned his head quickly and "Che'd" me.

Smiling in victory, I leaned in and pressed my lips to the side of his head. Slowly, I traveled down to his ear. "You can't win every battle, Kanda."

* * *

><p>Yes, I still didn't know everything about love. Sometimes, I wondered what I even saw in Yuu Kanda. "Maybe it's only pity..." I would think. But if it was, why did I have a heart sinking feeling that I wouldn't be able to go on if he died.<p>

Rima surprised me one day by saying, "I know what you mean. It truly is confusing. Most people can never fully grasp its concept." She looked over at me and smiled. "But we're pretty damn smart." When did this seventeen year old get so... wise?

She was half right. Love was confusing, but were we really smart enough to figure out something so foreign?

We didn't get a chance to speak again that day; Kanda and I left for mission only minutes later.  
>We rode in silence for a few hours before I spoke up.<p>

"Kanda?" He looked at me. "How do you know if love is true?" We were always open with each other.

He was silent for a long time. So long that I feared I might have angered him.

Then, to my relief, he answered," What does it feel like when I do this?"

I had no time to question his words, because in the next moment, his lips were on mine. As fast as he came, he was gone, looking down at me expectantly.

Of course I had been kissed before, quite a few times actually, but never like that. Compared to that, the others seemed like lust induced madness. This felt more...

"...Pure." The word came to me so easily. I looked up at him with wide eyes. He smirked at my expression. "It felt real; true."  
>He leaned closer. His intense blue eyes held my mahogany ones.<p>

"Correct." His lips touched mine once more.

_Love is when you know it's true._


	2. Rima and Lavi

I watched them from afar; behind one of the many marble columns that kept the second floor of the Black Order from falling.

She was all over him today; hugging, kissing, touching, laughing… I hardly even recognized her with the wide grin across her face and pink, blushing cheeks. She seemed so completely and totally happy today. And it made me all the angrier.

My ice blue eyes burned with a fierce kind of hate, a vile red and black feeling I hadn't felt in close to a decade now. My teeth grinded against themselves as I held my tongue; this was most certainly not the place to confront Chiquita about her little… _**act**_.

Nothing made me more nauseous than watching Chica delude herself with the wild fantasy that she was actually _in love_ with _**Yu Kanda**_.

It was pathetic, really. Everyone knew it was a false love, created by her sub-conscious to keep her sane. Finders knew, exorcist knew, science workers knew, the medical crew knew, the cooks knew, and the janitors knew as well. I think even Kanda himself knew it, but he actually cared enough not to break the poor girls fragile, glass-like heart.

But I knew she could handle it. The five of us, _Chiquita, Thomas, May, Dante, and I, _were trained _specifically_ not to have or let emotions of any sorts cause trouble in our lives, including sadness, grief, anger, and any of the passions. The scientists and neurologists of the North American Branch had made sure nothing as _petty_ as feelings would or could interfere with our long-term mission for this world. And yet there she was, easily being over-whelmed by the foreign passion she called '_**Love**_'.

Not being able to stand the _hellish_ mushy feelings any longer, I quietly stormed out of the hallway to the only place I could find nothing but silence: the HQ library.

* * *

><p>It was a short walk, but it was enough for me to cool down (kinda) and sort everything out. Things were a mess. Things were certainly not going according to plan. And even though I didn't know all the facts, I still chose to judge the girl who had, at one point, not only been my mentor, but what I considered, a friend.<p>

_Chiquita Iglesias was throwing away everything the **Dark Generation **had worked for._

"_Love is, and will always be, a mystery to us."_

She said those words, did she not? She taught me how to keep my life Monotone, she taught me to keep away from a society filled with weaklings run by their emotions, she taught me to throw away everything special in my life and live from nothing! How could she go back on all of those words and have this affair? _Was she really that fragile?_

Before I could lose myself in the blissful world of hate and blame, a hand was lightly placed on my shoulder. I turned and met the curious face of Lavi.

_Love is not real._

"What's wrong, Rima?"

_Love is all a lie._

I didn't like his tone. It was filled with concern for me. It was one of a worried friend, who wanted nothing more than to help the one they cared about. I didn't- no, I couldn't listen; it would make me vulnerable.

_Love is inexistent; it is not part of this world._

"I'm fine, Lavi. Thanks." Damn, my voice wasn't as strong as I wanted it to be.

_Love is against our policy. Leave it be, Rima._

I looked at him. This silly, hyperactive, filled with nothing but mysteries and lies Bookman was the only person on this lonely planet that knew everything about me; the only one who knew my childhood; the only one who knew all of my secrets; the only one who knew **ME**.

_Love is against us; it will never work out!_

He looked as if he were having a civil war inside his own head. Concentration spread across his face like a fire. I was beginning to believe my own thoughts…

_That's right, Rima. Come back. We are here. Your friends are here. _

I suddenly got a very sharp-edged mental picture of the four people who had grown up with me; the only four who shared this Hell with me.

_Very good, Rime. Now came to us. We understand you. We **understand**. And remember: Love is never-_

My mental persuasions were suddenly cut off as I felt Lavi very slowly and stiffly wrap his arms around my shoulders. I almost gasped from the unfamiliar gesture. This should… not be happening. Lavi was a Future Bookman; I was a Future General of the Order. The two destinies didn't mix.

_Love… _

A kinder voice picked up in my head when Lavi began talking. "Don't worry," he said, sensing my distress.

_Love is…_

He ran his hand through my straight black hair. "This will be our secret." Slowly, unsurely, I hugged him back, my hands gripping his back tightly. 'Wrong' was the perfect word to use here, but the newest voice was growing stronger every moment.

_Love is… _

_Love is always there._

In Lavi's arms, I silently prayed to God it wasn't.


End file.
